No Longer Ashamed

I would like to express my journey of how Sister Helfer helped save my life.

I believe I was sexually abused at a young age. I played doctor as a child in perverse ways, not knowing why or wondering why I was attracted to that behavior at a young age. I thought I was abnormal. I considered suicide at age 7 because I never thought I would be able to be pure in thought and deed through my life. I learned about masturbation as a 7th grader seeing someone use motions in the dressing rooms. I didn't know it was wrong and was curious. Then when I found out it was wrong, I was filled with extreme shame, but I didn't feel like I could stop as I was doing it daily if not multiple times a day. It was a way I processed emotions and feeling comfort. Later I realized that thinking about girls helped intensify the experience and then it went away from comfort to then be for comfort as well as attraction. It prevented me from having normal social interactions on dates. I wouldn't hold hands, kiss, hug or anything as I thought I wouldn't be able to control myself. I made sure to only date girls that had the indicators of profound testimony and dedication to God. I found myself always consumed with the thoughts and curiosity of a woman's body. I would meet with Bishops, Stake President, Mission President, etc and never found that I was ever enough. A mission president blessed me to have the devils cast out of me. I might go a month or two and then I would slip up. I brought great shame to my wife when she found out about it. I went to SA meetings, I went to a therapist that was with the church, I tried to entrench myself in the gospel deeper and deeper to be as worthy as I could each Sunday to partake of the sacrament. I would think, just two more days till Sunday, I have to hold it together so I can partake of the sacrament worthily.

As a councilor in a Bishopric I felt close to the lord. On my mission I felt close to the Lord, as a father and husband I felt close to the Lord. But it was at different times with peaks and valleys.  Being on the road for work I would often look forward to traveling as I knew I could do anything for the week. But it was also when I ran into podcasts from Brene Brown and Natasha Helfer. I learned that the shame is inhibiting me from growing. I learned to see women in a different light. To set boundaries or bubbles on where my thoughts did not belong as it was not part of my bubble. Looking at porn or fantasizing no longer was enticing. I saw the people in the videos and images as individuals. As they are not giving right to their bodies let alone any relation. At one point I came to question if there is a devil or if the entire process was entirely me. I don't know if there is a devil or not, but by me taking complete ownership of my thoughts and that it wasn't from some external entity, I was able to not shame myself and realize that this is sexual normalsy to have these feelings, but even though the attractions and normalcy is there and I recognize it, I also removed the shame and guilt for the normalcy of the blessings of God for procreation. I also took on a responsibility to my boundaries, my own thoughts. If I was to see a woman naked, does that mean it is my right to fantasize about her? How do people on nude beaches handle such things? Is it because there is evil there, or do they approach thoughts and behaviors differently? Over a few months, I realized I didn't have the guilt, the shame, or the desire. When my wife would leave the house with the kids I didn't feel compelled or the desire to go looking as I had for years and years. I felt free. I am free from it. I still believed in the Lord. This wasn't the presence of evil in my life. It was freedom. It was peace. And it had nothing to do with church teachings, anything leaders said. It was about letting go of the guilt and shame and learning boundaries. It was because of Natasha that I went down this journey. I owe her my freedom from pornography and sexual addiction. My morals have increased in a healthy way. I'm not hoping to make it to Sunday or to hold off on my addiction by struggling a month here or two months. It is gone and it is because of Natasha's guidance, through God's knowledge and guidance of her to the LDS community and other faiths that has helped me remain in my marriage as I had shed the guilt, shed the shame and felt whole for the first time in my life. Where I can stand before God or any priesthood leader and express that I feel more worthy than I ever have in my own life. In a follow up discussion after finding my new self and worth I told my Stake President that I felt more worthy than I ever have. I have recently baptized my daughter and confirmed her as a member. The Stake President considered me someone that used to feel I had a sexual addiction as worthy. I can stand with a clear conscience before God knowing that I am clean. 

— Anonymous